Five top tips to help your child unplug
Seemingly daunting, the task at hand may appear insurmountable: your child's attachment to their smartphone, gaming, the internet in general and your struggle as a parent to detach them from it. It's understandably frustrating always to play the role of the smartphone police, isn't it? Even though you say, 'just half an hour of gaming, smartphone, or social media,' most of the time, your child is utterly furious when you say after half an hour, 'That's enough, put the phone away and do something else.' You find yourself in the same exhausting discussion repeatedly. So here are my five tips to help you make it easier for your child to disconnect from their phone.
Tip No.1 | Understanding
First of all, I would like to tell you that this behavior of your child is quite normal. The devices and games are designed in such a way that you can't let go of them instantly. They were deliberately developed this way, together with behavioral psychologists. The apps and platforms are designed to be addictive. This is called "persuasive design". When your child uses the mobile phone, gaming console, internet, an unnatural amount of dopamine is released every time - a neurotransmitter that motivates us to do things. It's actually a tragedy for the child when you, as a parent, come in and want to take the device away. You probably have experienced it yourself: You just wanted to check something on your cell phone, and suddenly you're glued to the screen for at least 30 minutes. Someone keeps texting you, you get a heart on Instagram. It's just so satisfying. This is also referred to as "instant gratification." Online games and the smartphone give you instant feedback and success. This makes you happy because there is an immediate chemical release of happy hormones in your brain. It's comparable to the pleasure of a coffee, a glass of wine, a puff of a cigarette. All stimulants, just like the cell phone, social media, gaming. That brings me to my next point: rules.
Tip No.2 | Rules
It's an unpleasant topic, but it's so crucial. Children need boundaries when it comes to using phones and the internet. It's entirely irresponsible to hand over a phone to children and think, 'It'll be fine.' There are too many dangers lurking on the internet. These basic rules are essential for me:
The internet is only accessible in specific places: shared spaces like the living room and kitchen ensure accountability and provide a safe environment. There are no-phone zones, including bedrooms, bathrooms, school, homework time, family meals, and family events.
For your child, the internet is not available 24 hours a day. Starting from 7 or 8 in the evening, it's time to wind down, and in the morning, you'll decide when the phone can be used again. One of the reasons for this rule is that late-night surfing makes it harder to fall asleep because the sleep hormone melatonin cannot be produced. The blue light emitted by screens is responsible for this, signaling to our system that it's still daytime. Checking your phone right in the morning disrupts the slow waking-up process and immediately puts you into an 'I need to be active' mode. This can make you feel anxious and restless.
The phone belongs to me as a parent, and I allow you to use it under certain conditions. If you don't comply with the conditions, the phone, gaming console, laptop, or tablet will be taken away. You and your partner set the time limits.
It's essential that the consequences are clear to the child and discussed with it. It's also important to give the child a say. In order to discuss the rules that make sense for your family, I always recommend a family conference. You and your partner agree on the rules that are important to you. Then, sit down with your child and ask for his or her suggestions. Often, children have fantastic ideas.
Tip No.3 | Habits
Smartphone and internet behavior quickly become a bad habit that concerns you as a mother or father. Naturally, you want your child not to be online all day. Instead, you wish for your child to read more, engage in more sports, meet up with friends, paint, etc. These are all activities that you did as a child and you now recognize how important they were for a healthy development. But initially, all these activities are not as attractive to your child. So, how can you make them more appealing again? One possibility is habit coupling, which you can also apply to yourself: it means the phone et al. becomes a reward. So, if your child reads for one hour, they can have 30 minutes of phone time. Or if they go to a sports class, they get online gaming time. The desired habit, such as wanting your child to read more, needs to be straightforward. This could mean setting up a cozy reading nook together with your child, one that is quiet and comfortable. Maybe there's always a tasty snack there too. See what your child is currently interested in and find out which book captures their attention. So, think about the habit you want to establish in your child and consider how you can make it easily accessible.
Tip No.4 | Rewards
Consequences for wrong behavior are essential. But just as important is recognizing and praising good behavior. We as parents often don't do this enough. For example, if I want my child to spend more time at the dinner table with us, and they come after I've called them three times, and I sarcastically comment it with, 'Oh, it's nice that you finally joined us,' that's not helpful. But hold up: here it's essential for me to mention that we as parents are also just human, and after a tiring day, we don't always say the right things. But generally, try to address the positive. So, if your child manages to read for more than 30 minutes a day, when they've never read before, praise your child. Praise is satisfying and makes the previously unattractive habit appealing. You can also consider a bonus system: for every reading session, your child gets a point. When a predetermined number of points is reached, your child can get, for example, the sneakers they've wanted for a long time. I know that the topic of rewards is viewed critically by parents: “But my child is supposed to do things out of their own motivation.” But that's not how our system works, or online offerings are so attractive that the 'good' alternative has to be very persuasive. However, the goal is, of course, that your child enjoys reading again and does it eventually without any rewards.
Tip No.5 | Role Model
It's a fact that you, as a mother, and you, as a father, are the most significant role models. Children imitate their environment. This has been the case since their baby days. If your child constantly sees you with your phone in hand, they think, 'Wow, that thing must be so amazing because my mom and dad are always looking at it and giving it their full attention. I want to have it too!' So, every question about how your child can use their phone less begins with, 'How is my own use of the smartphone or the internet in general?' The less your child sees you with your phone, the less attractive it becomes. But of course, your child gets older, and at the latest, it's not you anymore that's relevant for their behavior but their friends. However, you still have the opportunity to exert influence: look at the environment your child is in. Is there a club where other parents are more cautious about using phones and similar devices? Is a school change coming up? Perhaps an alternative school form, like Waldorf school, is an option that is more critical of media use? How about engaging more in conversation with other parents and sharing your knowledge with them? This is where downloading my “eBook: Hey Smartphone, leave my kid alone.” is worthwhile. It compiles in a condensed form the risks and side effects of smartphones for children.
In any case, you're on the right path by landing on my website. You're thinking about the issue of phones, the internet, and your child. That's the first step. If you need more media competence, start working on it with me. Take a look at my 4-week program 'Smart Parents.' After 4 weeks, you'll be confident enough to guide your child through the digital media landscape.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to share them. Either in the comment section below or by emailing me at jana@jana-unterberg.com.
Much love, and see you soon,
❤︎ Jana
Credits/Inspiration:
Atomic Habits - An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones, https://jamesclear.com/atomic-habits
Wait until 8th - https://www.waituntil8th.org/family-guides